I miss you

I haven't felt the need to write to you for a few months now. Well, I have but I've forgotten about this. Life is slowly getting to us. Life is slowly separating us. I miss you, even when I'm with you. We've put ourselves on hold for the rest of the world. It's been a busy month.

I hate having to savor moments with you. I never needed to savor them; I just savored them. Now I feel like we're too busy to just hold onto one another. Our worlds used to eclipse each other. I'd much rather stay in the dark with you than burn under the harsh light of reality.

I miss taking 2 hours to get out of bed. You don't know how good your skin smells between your shoulder blades. I miss watching you make breakfast. I think we're losing our infatuation, and I'm scared. We've both done this too many times to not know what happens after. I hope that we will be different for each other.

I'm trying to understand.

I'm sorry, I just can't let go of it. This is making me reevaluate our entire relationship. Why do I act the way that I do sometimes? I can't help but compare it with how I was with my last boy. I don't want him anymore, but I do miss how he treated me sometimes. He always made me feel special. You do not. You're such a contradiction. You worry that I act the way I do with you because that's just how I am, but then you tell me that we'll easily find other people that will be better for us. It's not true. I guess I'm in no position to say. You've tried a lot more than I have. I barely tried to find you, and I thought that I had found someone that I could be with forever. You tried and dated a lot of people and you said that I was the best that you've found and you're still reluctant to try? Why are your expectations so high? Why do you demand so much of me?

You're exhausting. I miss you.

Lost. Or pissed.

I feel like I'm documenting a break up, even though you told me that you probably weren't going to break up with me. It's been eight hours since I saw you last and I'm wondering how long it will be before I see you again.

I'm sorry. I don't want to be without you. I don't want you to leave me. I don't want to be alone. I want you by my side every step I take in life. I don't think you're ready to do that. I don't think I'm right for you anymore. I'm good to you, but perhaps I just can't give you want you really need. I am flawed in ways you cannot seem to accept.

I'm stupid and selfish, I know. I don't say the right things. I don't act the way that I should all the time. I'm immature, you're right. I have a lot to change about myself. I thought you would want to be there for me, but I feel like you're just getting sick of me. I tried so hard to make up for my flaws, but it's not enough. You tell me that I'm the best girlfriend you've ever had, but you still want to leave me. I don't understand. I don't understand what more I can do. I don't understand why you can't forgive me for this stupid thing that I said. I love you so much. I feel like everyone can see it except for you. You're being unfair and you're being cruel.

You told me today that there are billions of people out there and surely I would be able to find one better. I don't want anyone else. I hate that you would even suggest that. Of course there's probably someone else that fits me better, if you were to just look at personality/social standing/education/parents/etc. That doesn't matter. None of that really matters because they're not going to to fit. You're the only one I want. No matter now perfect someone else is for me, they're not going to make me happy when all I want is you. You're breaking my heart. How could you be so cavalier about this? So cold? So cruel? You're tearing me up inside.

I know I'm not perfect, but I am a good person. I would never do anything to purposefully hurt you. I put you above myself. I do everything in my power to make you happier. I go out of my way to accommodate you and I don't expect you to do the same for me. I'm a really good girlfriend. All I ask is for you to cut me a little slack sometimes. I sick of you doubting everything about how I feel and as soon as anything pops up, you point to it and say Ha! I called it. This is more affirmation of how I am a failure at being your girl.

The thought of you with someone else is killing me. I hope they're not as hot as I am. I hope they're not as good to you as I was. I know that if we truly love someone, then we'll want the best for them. I don't think you'll find anyone that will be better to you than I am. I am really good to you. If you toss me away, you are an idiot. I'm so confused right now. I'm bitter and angry and confused and so, so hurt. I tore out my heart and gave it to you. It's a good heart. Is big and warm and kind and understanding and about as soft as they come. I don't understand why you wouldn't want it. I want you so bad and I feel like you're not letting me have you.

Won't you try for me? I'm worth it, I swear. I can take a lot of pain. I can take a lot of hardships. I am strong and I will love you for as long as you will let me.